It's no secret, I often use the pressure of Lent to give up food things or try to be healthier. I believe that this is ok and I give myself permission to do so, knowing that a healthier me is a better me and that the spirit of Lent is represented in my struggle.
This year, my goal is to be more mindful of why I'm eating. Working from home, I have a whole kitchen at my disposal all. the. time. It's not like I can only bring my breakfast & lunch and I'm out of food. Well, I suppose I could if I locked myself in my extra bedroom/office. But that would mean that Pete would have to lock me inside from the outside. And that would be weird because I'd have no potty. I digress...
I created a little note in my phone, titled...Lent. (original!) My plan is that aside from meals, if I'm going to eat a 'snack', I need to log the time and what I'm feeling and if I still choose to snack. I need to be more mindful about what I'm snacking on and my feelings at the time. Snacking has been an issue for me in the past and continues to be. This strategy really helped me in the days leading up to surgery and after surgery.
It's the little things. The little things that add up to big things. Big changes and goals and dreams.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Monday, January 06, 2014
What's My Plan?
Clearly 2013 wasn't anything that I thought it would be. It's thrown me for a loop in most aspects of my life. And while I'd love to tell you that I was "healed" on 1/10/14, 6 months after surgery, I'm not. I'm done with therapy and feel like I have more control over my emotions. But I'm still on the antidepressant and trying ti figure out how to get off. I'm still in physical therapy to help build the muscles back up. I'm not going to the gym on a regular basis. And my motivation for anything seems to be gone.
So what's my plan? I haven't quite figured out the whole thing. In some ways, I'm more reluctant to plan in 2014 because of the loop that a went on in 2013. It's as though I can't fathom planning past the next month or the next week. Maybe the reluctance is from the abnormal biopsy and everything that happened afterwards or maybe it's from the antidepressant.
I've been researching how to wean myself off the antidepressant because I feel like I need to try it on my own. And while I could do it myself, others have told me that I should really see my doctor about it. I've had long conversations with Pete about how the medication makes me feel. No motivation, no energy, more insomnia, tired all the time, weight gain, nothing seems fun. And while I like the fact that I'm not engaged in the running commentary in my head all the time and I'm less anxious and stressed, I think I need to be done with it. The good doesn't seem to outweigh the bad. We've talked about how I think I need to try it off the med and if something changes; if he sees negative changes in me, I'll go back on some type of medication.
I've thought long and hard about who I am. The me before the medication with the dialogue in my head, driven by motivation and sometimes stress, anxious about things at times, goal oriented... Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am and who I'm meant to be. Even though those things were lessened with the medication, they are things that I am used to and have developed tools to deal with them. This new me is someone that I don't know how to "fix". I don't know how to get more motivation when I feel NONE. I don't know how to feel highs and laughter and funny. I don't know how to feel a bit stressed so that it drives to me be productive. Maybe, those are all just me and I need them.
So my plan is shortsighted for now. Simply put, it's to get off the medication and see how I feel about it all.
So what's my plan? I haven't quite figured out the whole thing. In some ways, I'm more reluctant to plan in 2014 because of the loop that a went on in 2013. It's as though I can't fathom planning past the next month or the next week. Maybe the reluctance is from the abnormal biopsy and everything that happened afterwards or maybe it's from the antidepressant.
I've been researching how to wean myself off the antidepressant because I feel like I need to try it on my own. And while I could do it myself, others have told me that I should really see my doctor about it. I've had long conversations with Pete about how the medication makes me feel. No motivation, no energy, more insomnia, tired all the time, weight gain, nothing seems fun. And while I like the fact that I'm not engaged in the running commentary in my head all the time and I'm less anxious and stressed, I think I need to be done with it. The good doesn't seem to outweigh the bad. We've talked about how I think I need to try it off the med and if something changes; if he sees negative changes in me, I'll go back on some type of medication.
I've thought long and hard about who I am. The me before the medication with the dialogue in my head, driven by motivation and sometimes stress, anxious about things at times, goal oriented... Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am and who I'm meant to be. Even though those things were lessened with the medication, they are things that I am used to and have developed tools to deal with them. This new me is someone that I don't know how to "fix". I don't know how to get more motivation when I feel NONE. I don't know how to feel highs and laughter and funny. I don't know how to feel a bit stressed so that it drives to me be productive. Maybe, those are all just me and I need them.
So my plan is shortsighted for now. Simply put, it's to get off the medication and see how I feel about it all.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
My 2014 Word?
For the last few years I've been choosing a word in December to live the following year by. A word that represents some change I want to make or what I need to focus on or a reminder. Interestingly I think that my choices are very representative of what actually happens within the year. Maybe it's just self fulfilling, maybe it's luck, but whatever it is, it works.
Last year my word was grace:
In reality, I think that grace supported me. Grace was there to let me recover both mentally and physically. Grace was there for me to allow myself to ask for help when I needed it. Grace was there to be ok with where I was at, at that given moment. Without thinking about it, I was living a graceful life and it was giving back to me in return. Without grace, I honestly don't know where I would be now or what my mental status would be.
So this is my little thank you to whomever started the trend of One Little Word. My thank you to the prompt of seeking something to work on year by year. My thank you for the support throughout this year.
My 2014 word? I don't know. Something is pushing me to go back to the word choices. To focus on the fact that I can't change all the choices I had to make this year. To focus on the things that I can change and do something about them. But I'm still giving it thought because I have about 3 weeks left to decide!
Last year my word was grace:
I want to live gracefully. In beauty and kindness. With poise and centered in myself. I want to chose nice over mean. I want to give myself grace and forgiveness and be ok with who I am at any given moment. I want to be graceful in motion and thought.I have to admit, when I had the abnormal biopsy I abandoned my word and I felt that it abandoned me. How could I live gracefully when this bad thing was happening to me? How could I be ok, let alone poised with this decision? How could I be ok with myself when I was about to remove body parts in a preemptive move?
In reality, I think that grace supported me. Grace was there to let me recover both mentally and physically. Grace was there for me to allow myself to ask for help when I needed it. Grace was there to be ok with where I was at, at that given moment. Without thinking about it, I was living a graceful life and it was giving back to me in return. Without grace, I honestly don't know where I would be now or what my mental status would be.
So this is my little thank you to whomever started the trend of One Little Word. My thank you to the prompt of seeking something to work on year by year. My thank you for the support throughout this year.
My 2014 word? I don't know. Something is pushing me to go back to the word choices. To focus on the fact that I can't change all the choices I had to make this year. To focus on the things that I can change and do something about them. But I'm still giving it thought because I have about 3 weeks left to decide!
Monday, December 09, 2013
Admissions and Limitations
Saturday was spent hibernating in the deep freeze of Minnesota. Love the cold wintery weather with snow. But high temps that never get above zero? Um no thanks.
So between laundry, crochet, baking, House of Cards in Netflix and my snugly puppy, I never left the house. In return, there was a list of other things that I should have done. I just didn't.
At times, I think I have bounds of energy and I tackle that to do list in the spirit of an athlete. Friday, I shopped...for 7 hours. Grocery, clothes, crafts and Christmas. Ran home, helped Pete cook dinner and was in bed by 10pm. I had a similar, if yet indoors, list for Saturday. But I did none of it. Not because I didn't want to, but because I had no energy or motivation to do it.
About 1pm, I took a shower so I could feel clean and change into clean PJs (really just one of Pete's old long sleeved shirts and flannel pants). But in the shower I thought about how much I wanted to sit in the living room and watch the twinkling light of the tree. And how I usually spend the day after Thanksgiving putting it up. And how it's now well past Thanksgiving and I stare at an empty space and dog toys.
What I realized was sad. I didn't have the motivation to wrestle that tree up and decorate it. Oh yes, I could muster the energy to do it today. But I'd be in a heap the rest if the day. And more importantly to Pete, that damn tree would stay up until Valentines Day when Pete would take it down out of frustration. It's not fair to him or me to do that. So I made the call to not put up the tree this year. And I shared this with Pete when he got home. He was very sweet and said that he'd get me a tabletop tree that fols out so it's just set and plug in, but I told him no need.
I don't know, maybe it's a positive thing, this realization of my limits. Maybe it's good that I not only realize them, but stick to them. And maybe, a part of me wants my superhuman self back.
Monday, November 18, 2013
I Need To Get It Together
Somewhere, along the way I lost the me who was pretty organized and on top of it all. Maybe I really did lose a whole bunch of brain cells the 2 months of sitting watching reality TV after surgery. Who knows?
I've randomly gone to the gym here and there, but nothing consistent. I am attending physical therapy though and doing exercises at home. Last week I felt my lower abs engage for the first time since prior to surgery. It. Was. Awesome.
I've both watched what I ate and gone back to trick or treating my own fridge for chocolate. I hover somewhere around 209. Not happy about it. But I'm also not beating myself up over it at this point.
I work from home most days so I'm more relaxed, less make up and have hair that sticks up in random places. But I also have counseling appointments, physical therapy appointments, staff meetings and other random meetings that I have to go to each week. So I feel LESS organized and relaxed in some ways.
I am doing really good in the relaxation area though. I've rediscovered crocheting and how relaxing and rewarding it is to craft. I've done a few Christmas presents, some scarves for myself and I'm working on a big ol blanket.
My goals do include getting back to the gym on a regular basis. I think I'm waiting for life to get easier, but my realization is that it's not going to get better than this for a while. So...here goes:
Goals:
Get to the gym 3 days in the next week for at least an hour at a time.
Eat cleaner. More veggies and lean protein and less cheese, muddy buddies and chocolate.
Plan week on Monday mornings and post calendar for Pete so he knows where to find me.
I'm using this as my accountability partner for the week.
I've randomly gone to the gym here and there, but nothing consistent. I am attending physical therapy though and doing exercises at home. Last week I felt my lower abs engage for the first time since prior to surgery. It. Was. Awesome.
I've both watched what I ate and gone back to trick or treating my own fridge for chocolate. I hover somewhere around 209. Not happy about it. But I'm also not beating myself up over it at this point.
I work from home most days so I'm more relaxed, less make up and have hair that sticks up in random places. But I also have counseling appointments, physical therapy appointments, staff meetings and other random meetings that I have to go to each week. So I feel LESS organized and relaxed in some ways.
I am doing really good in the relaxation area though. I've rediscovered crocheting and how relaxing and rewarding it is to craft. I've done a few Christmas presents, some scarves for myself and I'm working on a big ol blanket.
My goals do include getting back to the gym on a regular basis. I think I'm waiting for life to get easier, but my realization is that it's not going to get better than this for a while. So...here goes:
Goals:
Get to the gym 3 days in the next week for at least an hour at a time.
Eat cleaner. More veggies and lean protein and less cheese, muddy buddies and chocolate.
Plan week on Monday mornings and post calendar for Pete so he knows where to find me.
I'm using this as my accountability partner for the week.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Counseling; Day One
So today is day 3 on an antidepressant and day 1 of counseling.
The antidepressant is going to take some getting used to and some time to build up in my body. The first day I took it in the morning at the suggestion of the pharmacist. It made me sleepy and it really made me nauseated for about 4 hours. No good. So I started taking it at night. It's working better. But last night I woke up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty. I drank water but it made my stomach worse and I was awake for a bit.
All morning I kept telling myself I was dumb for scheduling counseling; I really didn't need counseling. Then I wondered if the emotional crying and stuff was simply my normal menstrual cycle? After all the signs that I used to have are gone/changed since surgery and I have a harder time knowing my body signals.
Pete pointed out to me that I tend to want things to fit in categories, be specific. Not everything can be categorized. Maybe some of my anxiety and issues with this is that I can't categorize it all. He's s smart man and I realized that maybe he's right. I may not fit in a category, but it doesn't mean I'm not part of of the larger group.
Today's counseling session was spent learning my story, my family history and my life. At the end she asked me to think of goals that I'd like to work towards so that I know when I'm making progress. She also commented that I'm pretty hard on myself and I should think about interrupting the negative self talk and allowing myself grace. When she said that I about fell to the floor. It was like she knew that I was trying to live in grace for 2013. It was some confirmation that maybe things do happen for a reason and choosing that word was no accident for 2013.
So I'm going to keep a note on my phone and start recording some of the goals I want to achieve and where I want to see myself. Some of the things I'd like to learn and how I can be a better version of me.
The antidepressant is going to take some getting used to and some time to build up in my body. The first day I took it in the morning at the suggestion of the pharmacist. It made me sleepy and it really made me nauseated for about 4 hours. No good. So I started taking it at night. It's working better. But last night I woke up in the middle of the night extremely thirsty. I drank water but it made my stomach worse and I was awake for a bit.
All morning I kept telling myself I was dumb for scheduling counseling; I really didn't need counseling. Then I wondered if the emotional crying and stuff was simply my normal menstrual cycle? After all the signs that I used to have are gone/changed since surgery and I have a harder time knowing my body signals.
Pete pointed out to me that I tend to want things to fit in categories, be specific. Not everything can be categorized. Maybe some of my anxiety and issues with this is that I can't categorize it all. He's s smart man and I realized that maybe he's right. I may not fit in a category, but it doesn't mean I'm not part of of the larger group.
Today's counseling session was spent learning my story, my family history and my life. At the end she asked me to think of goals that I'd like to work towards so that I know when I'm making progress. She also commented that I'm pretty hard on myself and I should think about interrupting the negative self talk and allowing myself grace. When she said that I about fell to the floor. It was like she knew that I was trying to live in grace for 2013. It was some confirmation that maybe things do happen for a reason and choosing that word was no accident for 2013.
So I'm going to keep a note on my phone and start recording some of the goals I want to achieve and where I want to see myself. Some of the things I'd like to learn and how I can be a better version of me.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
207; A List of Plans
Even water proof mascara isn't really water proof. It's likely water resistant or something. I always wonder what kind of make up reality stars have on that they never get red and raccoon looking when they cry. Because me? I do crying, ugly. I'm red, blotchy, runny nose and tears flowing. So my lesson to you all is not to wear mascara when going for help with depression.
I love my doctor. Can I just say that? She listens, really listens to me. She helps me problem solve. She also lets me lead in what my medical care should look like. She lets me feel in control, even when I'm not.
When she entered the office I half heartedly smiled and she could tell that something was wrong. She asked me to explain in my own words what was happening and it's then that I realized I should have written it down. Not only do I ugly cry, but when something like this is bothering me, I cry when I try to speak. And you can't ugly cry and verbalize at the same time. At least I can't. So she waited while I tried to gather myself up to talk. Then she listened.
At the crux of this is that I feel very much alone. I have the support of my Mom (breast cancer/mastectomy survivor). I have the support of Pete, who does tons of things for me and listens to everything I can manage to tell him. I have the support of friends online and in person. But I feel so alone. An island unto myself.
I feel almost as though I did all of this for no reason, this self mutilation of sorts, because there was no cancer. Which leads me to wonder if I was so ready for this to happen in the first place? Did I rush (is 3 months of waiting, rushing?) into this decision when I could have waited or should have waited? I feel as though my 'choice' to do this is 'rewarded' by the complications and issues that I've had since the initial surgery.
I've tried to seek out support form several places, but there is no one like me. No one that is a Previvor, but not BRCA positive. No one that has chosen to do this in a situation that mirrors mine. No one that is in their 40's and has some of the same experiences I did/do. No one who can tell me that yes, it will be ok. Yes, this is how I got through it. Yes, call/text/email me when you have issues and I will listen.
Logically I know that what I write here is off and that I know better. But I can't seem to connect the logicalness of it and my feelings about it. They're off course and I need to get them back on track.
So we have a plan. A good one.
1. I called for physical therapy again and I'm scheduled to start on 11/6/13. Exercising is a great mood booster and I can't wait to be able to learn how to exercise without hurting myself.
2. I was prescribed a low dose antidepressant for 6 months. Something to help me get over the hump and have enough energy to do what I need to do on a daily basis.
3. Seek counseling. If I can't find a support group, I need to find a counselor for a few sessions to figure out how to sort through the feelings I'm having.
I'm adding a few to the plan:
4. I'm going to connect more with Pete about how I'm feeling on a daily basis. Let him know my fears because he is strong enough to listen, even if he can't do anything about them.
5. Keep blogging. Keep getting it out of my head and onto the 'page'.
6. Keep being creative on a daily basis. Something that makes me happy - crochet, reading, photography, cooking...anything.
7. Let go right now of my weight issues. I'm not returning to the emotional/chocolate/soda/carb addict eating, but I'm going to say that it's ok if I'm not losing weight.
So, that's my list. I'm very much a list maker who has to have a plan. And this, this is my plan.
I love my doctor. Can I just say that? She listens, really listens to me. She helps me problem solve. She also lets me lead in what my medical care should look like. She lets me feel in control, even when I'm not.
When she entered the office I half heartedly smiled and she could tell that something was wrong. She asked me to explain in my own words what was happening and it's then that I realized I should have written it down. Not only do I ugly cry, but when something like this is bothering me, I cry when I try to speak. And you can't ugly cry and verbalize at the same time. At least I can't. So she waited while I tried to gather myself up to talk. Then she listened.
At the crux of this is that I feel very much alone. I have the support of my Mom (breast cancer/mastectomy survivor). I have the support of Pete, who does tons of things for me and listens to everything I can manage to tell him. I have the support of friends online and in person. But I feel so alone. An island unto myself.
I feel almost as though I did all of this for no reason, this self mutilation of sorts, because there was no cancer. Which leads me to wonder if I was so ready for this to happen in the first place? Did I rush (is 3 months of waiting, rushing?) into this decision when I could have waited or should have waited? I feel as though my 'choice' to do this is 'rewarded' by the complications and issues that I've had since the initial surgery.
I've tried to seek out support form several places, but there is no one like me. No one that is a Previvor, but not BRCA positive. No one that has chosen to do this in a situation that mirrors mine. No one that is in their 40's and has some of the same experiences I did/do. No one who can tell me that yes, it will be ok. Yes, this is how I got through it. Yes, call/text/email me when you have issues and I will listen.
Logically I know that what I write here is off and that I know better. But I can't seem to connect the logicalness of it and my feelings about it. They're off course and I need to get them back on track.
So we have a plan. A good one.
1. I called for physical therapy again and I'm scheduled to start on 11/6/13. Exercising is a great mood booster and I can't wait to be able to learn how to exercise without hurting myself.
2. I was prescribed a low dose antidepressant for 6 months. Something to help me get over the hump and have enough energy to do what I need to do on a daily basis.
3. Seek counseling. If I can't find a support group, I need to find a counselor for a few sessions to figure out how to sort through the feelings I'm having.
I'm adding a few to the plan:
4. I'm going to connect more with Pete about how I'm feeling on a daily basis. Let him know my fears because he is strong enough to listen, even if he can't do anything about them.
5. Keep blogging. Keep getting it out of my head and onto the 'page'.
6. Keep being creative on a daily basis. Something that makes me happy - crochet, reading, photography, cooking...anything.
7. Let go right now of my weight issues. I'm not returning to the emotional/chocolate/soda/carb addict eating, but I'm going to say that it's ok if I'm not losing weight.
So, that's my list. I'm very much a list maker who has to have a plan. And this, this is my plan.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
200.8
I haven't been weighing myself daily. Truth is that I've been afraid to step on the scale.
This morning I knew that I had to do it. I needed the accountability of the number.
200.8
No way to sugar coat that is there? I worked so flipping hard to get out of the 200's and into onederland. I vowed never to return to the 2s. But, here I am.
Partially I think that I'm experiencing a bit of situational depression. I spend all flipping day with myself. I've stopped reading and I mostly watch reality TV. I haven't been walking and my attempt at the gym hurt. I eat things like: Pizza Ranch pizza, chocolate chip cookie dough, chocolate Chex Mix, smoked mozzarella pasta, Nutter Butters, grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream sandwiches... Essentially crap food.
Truth is that the food is filling the void of work, human interaction and something to do. Truth is that I'm eating when I'm bored. Truth is that I'm sitting in my chair instead of getting outside and working off the crappy food that I eat. Truth is that I can't do the fun things that I want to, so I eat.
Truth is that I'm a bit depressed about it all.
Truth is that the person that I would usually tell all this to is Pete and I don't want to burden him with it. He already feels guilty for leaving the house and doing things, I can't make him feel more guilty, I just can't.
Truth is that I keep walking up everyday hoping that there is some spark that turns this lonely car of one back around and in the right direction.
This morning I knew that I had to do it. I needed the accountability of the number.
200.8
No way to sugar coat that is there? I worked so flipping hard to get out of the 200's and into onederland. I vowed never to return to the 2s. But, here I am.
Partially I think that I'm experiencing a bit of situational depression. I spend all flipping day with myself. I've stopped reading and I mostly watch reality TV. I haven't been walking and my attempt at the gym hurt. I eat things like: Pizza Ranch pizza, chocolate chip cookie dough, chocolate Chex Mix, smoked mozzarella pasta, Nutter Butters, grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream sandwiches... Essentially crap food.
Truth is that the food is filling the void of work, human interaction and something to do. Truth is that I'm eating when I'm bored. Truth is that I'm sitting in my chair instead of getting outside and working off the crappy food that I eat. Truth is that I can't do the fun things that I want to, so I eat.
Truth is that I'm a bit depressed about it all.
Truth is that the person that I would usually tell all this to is Pete and I don't want to burden him with it. He already feels guilty for leaving the house and doing things, I can't make him feel more guilty, I just can't.
Truth is that I keep walking up everyday hoping that there is some spark that turns this lonely car of one back around and in the right direction.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
197.2; Why Did You Start Losing Weight?
I was trying to find a quote on Pinterest that I've decided was only a figment of the Dilauid/Morphine I was given in the hospital. It's no where on Pinterest or the web. But while searching, I found this:
I'll admit that part of what I wanted to do by losing weight, was make my life better. Be more powerful, more in control, happier. And while that's occurred, life is not perfect. That's ok. I don't want to sail through life without challenges or issues, because it would be pretty boring and I really believe that those lows make the highs so much better.
The issues surrounding my weight gain are still there. The difference is that I believe I know what they are and I can deal with them. The emotional eating, the comfort eating, the lonely eating...it's still there. But I know a bit more on how to deal with it.
So did you think life was going to change with the pounds shedding? Did you learn something new about yourself? Do you have more awareness of what may have caused your weight gain?
It's weigh in Wednesday. I talk a lot about needing to find motivation in various places. The internet is one of them. So click the picture and find some motivation in other people who are in your shoes!
"Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life." ~ Dr PhilHoly Buckets! Yes.
I'll admit that part of what I wanted to do by losing weight, was make my life better. Be more powerful, more in control, happier. And while that's occurred, life is not perfect. That's ok. I don't want to sail through life without challenges or issues, because it would be pretty boring and I really believe that those lows make the highs so much better.
The issues surrounding my weight gain are still there. The difference is that I believe I know what they are and I can deal with them. The emotional eating, the comfort eating, the lonely eating...it's still there. But I know a bit more on how to deal with it.
So did you think life was going to change with the pounds shedding? Did you learn something new about yourself? Do you have more awareness of what may have caused your weight gain?
It's weigh in Wednesday. I talk a lot about needing to find motivation in various places. The internet is one of them. So click the picture and find some motivation in other people who are in your shoes!
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
198.2; Just Keep Swimming
Yesterday I put my plan in place. I knew it was going to get steamy hot and possibly rain in the afternoon. So about 9am I got ready to do my 30 minutes walking.
I put the heart rate monitor on. But it felt weird, tight. I obviously have numbness in my chest and abdomen. But I couldn't tell if the strap on my chest felt weird because of the numbness or because it was really too tight? I loosened it a bit and put the watch on.
I got dressed, but this too was strange. I only have these little Coobie Bras because I can't wear underwires or molded cups or more supportive bras yet. I'm used to compression bras to help prevent jiggling. I usually wear compression shorts under my pants/capris, but can't put those on yet either.
After getting dressed, I grabbed my phone and earbuds, a hat and glasses. Then I felt guilty about leaving the dog at home when he really loves walking. So I strapped him in his harness and we started out.
But it wasn't anything like I expected. Nico kept randomly stopping and pulling while walking. My heart rate monitor wouldn't sync with the watch because it's getting pretty old and the strap is coming apart.
I kept telling myself to just keep going and it would get better. But it never really did. I ended up cutting the walk short and we headed home to only complete 23 minutes.
My lesson in all of this?
1. I tried. Really gave it a try and didn't quit before I even started. I can do anything for 15 minutes and if I'm not into it, then I can stop.
2. I need a new heart rate monitor. I'm looking at this H7 so that I can use it not only with gym equipment, but with the app on my phone.
3. It's ok to stop. It's not worth hurting myself at this point by toughing it out with the dog pulling/stopping.
4. I'm not ready to walk with the dog yet.
5. I have a whole new day today to try again!
PS. I'm totally taking the 1 pound loss for my 23 minutes walking.
I put the heart rate monitor on. But it felt weird, tight. I obviously have numbness in my chest and abdomen. But I couldn't tell if the strap on my chest felt weird because of the numbness or because it was really too tight? I loosened it a bit and put the watch on.
I got dressed, but this too was strange. I only have these little Coobie Bras because I can't wear underwires or molded cups or more supportive bras yet. I'm used to compression bras to help prevent jiggling. I usually wear compression shorts under my pants/capris, but can't put those on yet either.
After getting dressed, I grabbed my phone and earbuds, a hat and glasses. Then I felt guilty about leaving the dog at home when he really loves walking. So I strapped him in his harness and we started out.
But it wasn't anything like I expected. Nico kept randomly stopping and pulling while walking. My heart rate monitor wouldn't sync with the watch because it's getting pretty old and the strap is coming apart.
I kept telling myself to just keep going and it would get better. But it never really did. I ended up cutting the walk short and we headed home to only complete 23 minutes.
My lesson in all of this?
1. I tried. Really gave it a try and didn't quit before I even started. I can do anything for 15 minutes and if I'm not into it, then I can stop.
2. I need a new heart rate monitor. I'm looking at this H7 so that I can use it not only with gym equipment, but with the app on my phone.
3. It's ok to stop. It's not worth hurting myself at this point by toughing it out with the dog pulling/stopping.
4. I'm not ready to walk with the dog yet.
5. I have a whole new day today to try again!
PS. I'm totally taking the 1 pound loss for my 23 minutes walking.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
2 Weeks and High Hopes
Two weeks post surgery and I'm off to my second doctor appointment today. He is going to check out my surgery sites and the drains.
The drains are there to allow the excess fluid to escape the body. When your body is injured, it sends fluid to the area. The lymph system isn't one of the body's systems that one usually hears about. It's like a virus protection that runs in the background of your computer. The nodes in the various places of your body have a fluid that filters out the impurities of the body. When the body is hurt/injured, it sends more fluid to that area to filter out the bad and promote healing. If you cut yourself, you can sometimes wee the clear fluid along the cut, before it mingles with your blood.
At any rate, when you have surgery, the body believes that it's "injured" and the lymph system kicks into overdrive. The drains are there to collect the fluid so that there's not too much swelling and discomfort. As the body heals, the amount of fluid slows down. However, the drains can end up being a double edged sword. At some point, the fact that the foreign item is in/out of the body, you run the risk of infection being introduced to the body. Two weeks is the usually the max that doctors like to leave it in.
Like the science lesson?
A couple of days ago, my fluid started to increase, instead of decrease. In fact it's up to 40 ccs on each side. I know that in order for the drains to be taken out, they should be under 10 cc's in 24 hours. The drains are painful where they enter my body. They're at a spot in my upper pubic area that make wearing panties and pants difficult. The tubes catch when I sit down or on clothing and pull.
To be honest, I want them out. But I'm afraid that the doctor is going to tell me that with the output they have to stay in. I'm anxious again, not to the point that I was pre-surgery, but anxious. I'm trying to mark time to a new milestone in recovery and this is the one that I'm hanging my hat on for now. Once out, I'll be a whole lot more comfortable. Once out I can shower (try living on sink washing up for 2+ weeks and see how it goes) I'll feel so much better.
I'm admitting that I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but they're pretty high even so. We shall see.
The drains are there to allow the excess fluid to escape the body. When your body is injured, it sends fluid to the area. The lymph system isn't one of the body's systems that one usually hears about. It's like a virus protection that runs in the background of your computer. The nodes in the various places of your body have a fluid that filters out the impurities of the body. When the body is hurt/injured, it sends more fluid to that area to filter out the bad and promote healing. If you cut yourself, you can sometimes wee the clear fluid along the cut, before it mingles with your blood.
At any rate, when you have surgery, the body believes that it's "injured" and the lymph system kicks into overdrive. The drains are there to collect the fluid so that there's not too much swelling and discomfort. As the body heals, the amount of fluid slows down. However, the drains can end up being a double edged sword. At some point, the fact that the foreign item is in/out of the body, you run the risk of infection being introduced to the body. Two weeks is the usually the max that doctors like to leave it in.
Like the science lesson?
A couple of days ago, my fluid started to increase, instead of decrease. In fact it's up to 40 ccs on each side. I know that in order for the drains to be taken out, they should be under 10 cc's in 24 hours. The drains are painful where they enter my body. They're at a spot in my upper pubic area that make wearing panties and pants difficult. The tubes catch when I sit down or on clothing and pull.
To be honest, I want them out. But I'm afraid that the doctor is going to tell me that with the output they have to stay in. I'm anxious again, not to the point that I was pre-surgery, but anxious. I'm trying to mark time to a new milestone in recovery and this is the one that I'm hanging my hat on for now. Once out, I'll be a whole lot more comfortable. Once out I can shower (try living on sink washing up for 2+ weeks and see how it goes) I'll feel so much better.
I'm admitting that I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but they're pretty high even so. We shall see.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Weight, Drains and Knowing My Body
Breakfast @ 8am: 1 piece of white toast with 1/2 avocado mashed on.
Lunch @ noon: most of a artichoke panini from Panera.
Dinner @ 6: ready to eat Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes.
In between I had 5 pieces of Australian blueberry licorice, 1/6 of a single layer round chocolate cake, 4 Keebler chocolate lovers chocolate chip cookies and potentially other things that I forgot.
When I finished most of the sandwich at lunch I knew I needed to visit Dr July again. So I made an appointment for a fill on my Realize Band in 8/7/13. When I was into the doctor last week he told me that I would be safe going back for a fill one month out from surgery.
I haven't been weighing myself because really it's not a fair weight. In addition to any weight I may have gained, I had swelling in some areas still and I have 2 drains left. The drains look like this:
The drains themselves have weight to them and they hang by pins on an elastic belt at my waist. There is about 8 inches of tubing and the ball outside my body. About 4-8 inches of tubing is inside my body. There is also the fluid that collects in them over the day. It's between 30-40 cc currently. So I know that weighing myself now isn't accurate and I don't want to be frustrated.
That said, I can feel myself slipping onto bad eating habits and being less active because it's easier. I need both a plan to increase exercise and eat better and to get my band filled so I can use that tool to remind me about eating.
These are my action plans:
1. Set the appointment and stick to it.
2. Before I eat anything, ask myself if what I'm feeling and if I'm really hungry or just emotional.
3. Walk twice a day OR do some activity in lieu of walking. For instance, washing up along with washing my hair or shaving my parts counts as activity (for now).
4. Be mindful of getting back to healthy lifestyle.
Lunch @ noon: most of a artichoke panini from Panera.
Dinner @ 6: ready to eat Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes.
In between I had 5 pieces of Australian blueberry licorice, 1/6 of a single layer round chocolate cake, 4 Keebler chocolate lovers chocolate chip cookies and potentially other things that I forgot.
When I finished most of the sandwich at lunch I knew I needed to visit Dr July again. So I made an appointment for a fill on my Realize Band in 8/7/13. When I was into the doctor last week he told me that I would be safe going back for a fill one month out from surgery.
I haven't been weighing myself because really it's not a fair weight. In addition to any weight I may have gained, I had swelling in some areas still and I have 2 drains left. The drains look like this:
 |
| Source |
That said, I can feel myself slipping onto bad eating habits and being less active because it's easier. I need both a plan to increase exercise and eat better and to get my band filled so I can use that tool to remind me about eating.
These are my action plans:
1. Set the appointment and stick to it.
2. Before I eat anything, ask myself if what I'm feeling and if I'm really hungry or just emotional.
3. Walk twice a day OR do some activity in lieu of walking. For instance, washing up along with washing my hair or shaving my parts counts as activity (for now).
4. Be mindful of getting back to healthy lifestyle.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
192: WIW and A Strange Realization
It's that time of week again!
Like I said earlier in the week, I managed to gain 4 pounds and lose 4 pounds over the weekend. I blame the weather or something. But I'm back in the 190s. (I don't understand...) If you've never checked out the sponsors of Weigh In Wednesday or the other bloggers, go do it. There's some wonderful motivators out there.
So Monday. Monday I returned to Body Pump after not doing it for over 60 days (closer to 90 I think). I went down in bar weight/hand weights from what I had been doing when I left. It felt good to lift weights, to get my heart rate up and to burn calories. I spent 41% of my hour there in fat burn according to my Polar watch.
Monday night I crashed fast asleep about oh, 6:30pm. (facepalm) Woke up about 8:30pm, just in time to wipe the drool, do a few things around the house, watch the early news and go to bed. Only I didn't sleep (of course).
Tuesday I was SOOOOOORRRRRE. My pecs were screaming, so clearly I've learned how to activate those lazy muscles. My legs protested each stair at work and my booty wasn't happy sitting or walking. YES! The feeling I crave. The one that keeps me going back for more weights. The one that reminds me with each move that I did something; I was active; I RULE!
But Tuesday afternoon I went to push a door open and internally realized something weird. My sore pecs and core/abdomen muscles? These are the areas that are going to be sore after surgery. So pushing the door was hard Tuesday, how hard would it be afterwards? Would I even be able to open the door to the garage with the autocloser? Could I slide the slider door to the patio? It's strange to think that these things that I take for granted every day will be hard for me for a period of time and I will have to retrain and regrow those muscles to work.
So Monday. Monday I returned to Body Pump after not doing it for over 60 days (closer to 90 I think). I went down in bar weight/hand weights from what I had been doing when I left. It felt good to lift weights, to get my heart rate up and to burn calories. I spent 41% of my hour there in fat burn according to my Polar watch.
Monday night I crashed fast asleep about oh, 6:30pm. (facepalm) Woke up about 8:30pm, just in time to wipe the drool, do a few things around the house, watch the early news and go to bed. Only I didn't sleep (of course).
Tuesday I was SOOOOOORRRRRE. My pecs were screaming, so clearly I've learned how to activate those lazy muscles. My legs protested each stair at work and my booty wasn't happy sitting or walking. YES! The feeling I crave. The one that keeps me going back for more weights. The one that reminds me with each move that I did something; I was active; I RULE!
But Tuesday afternoon I went to push a door open and internally realized something weird. My sore pecs and core/abdomen muscles? These are the areas that are going to be sore after surgery. So pushing the door was hard Tuesday, how hard would it be afterwards? Would I even be able to open the door to the garage with the autocloser? Could I slide the slider door to the patio? It's strange to think that these things that I take for granted every day will be hard for me for a period of time and I will have to retrain and regrow those muscles to work.
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
190; June Goals
Mel at 4Kottez Runs It posted her June goals yesterday and it spurred me to do the same. I have both goals and things that I have to get done before I have this surgery. So my list is a big old pile of both.
- Gym 4 days a week. 2 strength and at least 2 cardio. The better shape I'm in, the easier surgery will be.
- Eat more yogurt and take vitamins every day. The increase in vitamins and probiotics will again get me in better shape for surgery.
- Eat cleaner. Kick the cake habit for now and go with the fruits and veggies.
- Deep clean the house. If I'm going to be laid up for 6-8 weeks in the house, I want it clean first.
- Shop for the things I need post-surgery.
- Find one thing each week to do with Pete and the puppy-duppy to relax.
- Get in for a hair appointment before surgery.
- Mani/pedi before surgery.
- Clean my office at work and declutter.
- Remind myself to live in grace. Be mindful of my choices and let go of the things I can't change.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
There's More to Being Healthy
(191; 30 minutes of exercise...so far)
You're exercising and eating right and feeling better. Yay! But there is more to being healthy. When was the last time you had a physical? When was the last time you had a pap, mammogram, cholesterol checked or other regular testing? If you're over 50 have you had a colonoscopy?
Yes, the running, weight lifting and eating better are great things. And I'm not writing to diminish them in any way. If you've changed these things, you've changed a big part of your life for the better. But there is more to being healthy. There is a reason that regular check ups/physicals are recommended. Screening for high risk things like breast cancer, diabetes or other health issues keeps you healthier. It catches things that need attention or that need further screening.
I was reading articles on being healthy in general and ran across this statement:
And do you know what? It described me to a perfect "T". I was that obese women who put off pap/gynecological testing. I was that women who dreaded my mammograms. I was the one to put things off longer that I should so that I didn't have to bare my body to anyone. After all, when I went to the doctor about an issue in college, he was more questioning of my weight than the issue that I was there fore. He dismissed it as something that could have been caused by my weight. He made me ashamed instead of feeling like I was being helped.
So, this is my call to you, and it's two-fold. First, find a practitioner that you like and trust and develop a relationship with that medical professional. More than just going in randomly for a virus here and there, sit down and talk about all your issues with that person and develop a health care plan. Secondly, find out what you're at high risk for, what you need screening for and follow through. You've done so good with weight and exercise, why not get the rest of your body in shape too?
You're exercising and eating right and feeling better. Yay! But there is more to being healthy. When was the last time you had a physical? When was the last time you had a pap, mammogram, cholesterol checked or other regular testing? If you're over 50 have you had a colonoscopy?
Yes, the running, weight lifting and eating better are great things. And I'm not writing to diminish them in any way. If you've changed these things, you've changed a big part of your life for the better. But there is more to being healthy. There is a reason that regular check ups/physicals are recommended. Screening for high risk things like breast cancer, diabetes or other health issues keeps you healthier. It catches things that need attention or that need further screening.
I was reading articles on being healthy in general and ran across this statement:
"Obese women go less frequently for Pap tests than their thinner counterparts because of the prejudice they run into," says Joseph Majdan, MD, a cardiologist at Jefferson Medical College who has written about how he himself was stigmatized by fellow doctors before he lost 100 pounds. Research shows that obese women typically get fewer screenings for breast and colorectal cancer too. This finding is especially chilling given the fact that women with BMIs of 30-plus are more likely to die from certain cancers—endometrial, esophageal, and kidney, among them—according to a study of more than 1 million women in the United Kingdom.It's from this article on Fitbie.
And do you know what? It described me to a perfect "T". I was that obese women who put off pap/gynecological testing. I was that women who dreaded my mammograms. I was the one to put things off longer that I should so that I didn't have to bare my body to anyone. After all, when I went to the doctor about an issue in college, he was more questioning of my weight than the issue that I was there fore. He dismissed it as something that could have been caused by my weight. He made me ashamed instead of feeling like I was being helped.
So, this is my call to you, and it's two-fold. First, find a practitioner that you like and trust and develop a relationship with that medical professional. More than just going in randomly for a virus here and there, sit down and talk about all your issues with that person and develop a health care plan. Secondly, find out what you're at high risk for, what you need screening for and follow through. You've done so good with weight and exercise, why not get the rest of your body in shape too?
Thursday, March 28, 2013
191; Body Acceptance
I know I've been promising updates about my surgery and the last year and photos. While partly I've been waiting for a blog redesign, I think subconsciously I have been avoiding it because of some skin issues.
Yesterday afternoon I took a break from reviewing files and read the news. I found this quote:
I never understood tattoos until I met Pete. I mean I understand that you get them and live with them, but I didn't really get them. Shortly after we met, we were walking in a park talking and I asked him about his tattoos and then I asked if he regretted any of them. I'll never forget that he told me very quickly that he never regretted them. Even the ones that had lost some of the meaning. He explained that they told the story of his life, they made him remember just where he was and what he was doing and how he felt. I got it. I understand tattoos (for most people) are like the storyboard of their life. I'm not saying that there are some dumb tats from people who didn't think them out that are bad, but for those who really think about tats, they're the story.
It also lead me back to NieNie's Tuesday Post about the beauty of a woman. "A woman's skin tells her story. Where she's been. How she's lived. What she's accomplished." Nienie talks about her plane crash and shows the years of change that her new skin, mixed with her old skin does tell the story of her life. Not the life that she imagined, but her life none the less.
Yesterday as I read Margaret's quote and thought back to NieNie's post, I was first upset that they made Margaret cover her body up. Then I got to the end of Margaret's quote and thought, crap, that's me. I thought back to NieNie's post and realized that the two go hand in hand. I wondered why I couldn't see this before. Then I thought that maybe I had, but can't really accept it.
What am I rambling about? The story of my life, my storyboard. My body. Maybe mine isn't covered in tats. But I have scars and saggy skin and wrinkles. Some of the scars - like the dog bites on my face and my TMJ surgeries - I've learned to accept and to live with. I've learned they are part of me. I don't even think twice about them any longer because it's been so long that they are me.
The newer scars and saggy skin and lumps/bumps and wrinkles, they're harder to accept. But they tell my story too, my more recent story. Why am I ashamed of them? Why do they lead me to be less than happy about where I am? Why? partly because I ABUSED my body for long long by being overweight and not doing anything about it. So it's my "fault". Partly because it's not the picture I had in my head about what would happen when I lost weight - I thought I'd be "perfect". Partly because I haven't lost all the weight that I wanted to, yet.
But at the same time, how can I deny my journey thus far? How can I deny the hard work and the dedication and the changes that I've made? So I'm going to have a nice big 4/1/13 post ready that outlines my journey progress, complete with photos. It's my journey dammit and I'm claiming it.
Yesterday afternoon I took a break from reviewing files and read the news. I found this quote:
These were all women of various sizes and shapes and some, like me, bore the marks of a difficult life. My tattoos represent much of the pain and suffering I have endured. They are part of me, just like my scars, my fat, my eternal struggle with gravity. None of our bodies are 'perfect.'The quote is from Margaret Cho and it spoke to me. If you don't know who she is, she's a comic who's been heavy and lost weight. She's spoken out about not getting jobs in entertainment because of her weight and the mind games it led her to play. Margaret seems to have come to terms with her body, good, bad or otherwise.
I never understood tattoos until I met Pete. I mean I understand that you get them and live with them, but I didn't really get them. Shortly after we met, we were walking in a park talking and I asked him about his tattoos and then I asked if he regretted any of them. I'll never forget that he told me very quickly that he never regretted them. Even the ones that had lost some of the meaning. He explained that they told the story of his life, they made him remember just where he was and what he was doing and how he felt. I got it. I understand tattoos (for most people) are like the storyboard of their life. I'm not saying that there are some dumb tats from people who didn't think them out that are bad, but for those who really think about tats, they're the story.
It also lead me back to NieNie's Tuesday Post about the beauty of a woman. "A woman's skin tells her story. Where she's been. How she's lived. What she's accomplished." Nienie talks about her plane crash and shows the years of change that her new skin, mixed with her old skin does tell the story of her life. Not the life that she imagined, but her life none the less.
Yesterday as I read Margaret's quote and thought back to NieNie's post, I was first upset that they made Margaret cover her body up. Then I got to the end of Margaret's quote and thought, crap, that's me. I thought back to NieNie's post and realized that the two go hand in hand. I wondered why I couldn't see this before. Then I thought that maybe I had, but can't really accept it.
What am I rambling about? The story of my life, my storyboard. My body. Maybe mine isn't covered in tats. But I have scars and saggy skin and wrinkles. Some of the scars - like the dog bites on my face and my TMJ surgeries - I've learned to accept and to live with. I've learned they are part of me. I don't even think twice about them any longer because it's been so long that they are me.
The newer scars and saggy skin and lumps/bumps and wrinkles, they're harder to accept. But they tell my story too, my more recent story. Why am I ashamed of them? Why do they lead me to be less than happy about where I am? Why? partly because I ABUSED my body for long long by being overweight and not doing anything about it. So it's my "fault". Partly because it's not the picture I had in my head about what would happen when I lost weight - I thought I'd be "perfect". Partly because I haven't lost all the weight that I wanted to, yet.
But at the same time, how can I deny my journey thus far? How can I deny the hard work and the dedication and the changes that I've made? So I'm going to have a nice big 4/1/13 post ready that outlines my journey progress, complete with photos. It's my journey dammit and I'm claiming it.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
187.0: After You've Met Your Goal
Then what?
I mean this seriously. I've noticed that I'm a bit compulsive when I set goals that others can see/know about. Like my goal to be 220 or less when I had my surgery in March. I knew that they would weigh me the day of surgery and therefore I really really tried to get there, to the point of working out a couple of hours a day.
I joined the Holiday Challenge at the Y. Weighed in 11/26/12 and had to weigh in by today to see if I got the shirt. I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 5 pounds in 6 weeks (most of it in the last week). I got the shirt.
But today? Today I feel like I've indulged and there is no goal or no one watching.
For breakfast I 6 ounces of Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup berries with it.
For lunch I had 1 cup tomato soup with 1/2 english muffin with a piece of low fat cheese on it.
Then I had 3 mini peanutbutter cups.
This afternoon I had about 10 small pieces of licorice.
Then I had a Special K pastry Crisp.
Then I had about 3/4 cup cucumbers/red pepper strips with about 3 ounces of hummus.
My mind thinks it's been eating all day long. But when I log it in like that it's not bad. Sure I could have chosen better with the peanut butter cups and the licorice. But I followed up with fresh veg knowing that the sugar wasn't cutting it. And it's not that terribly indulgent. But I feel like it is.
I think I feel like that because I was very determined and limited my intake the last week to meals and very few snacks. That is to say, my mind plays a trick in that it thinks I was better with eating last week when really it just may be that I was so limiting last week and I can't sustain that, so I start eating more to compensate.
It's a mind game. Really it is. I think some of it is about control and some is about meeting goals. But it's definitely something I need to work on to be truly healthy. It's ok to have snacks and indulge as long as it's not way out of balance from what I should be eating. It's ok to try to stick to limited eating, but it needs to be be done in a healthy way. Those are the things I need to keep working on.
I mean this seriously. I've noticed that I'm a bit compulsive when I set goals that others can see/know about. Like my goal to be 220 or less when I had my surgery in March. I knew that they would weigh me the day of surgery and therefore I really really tried to get there, to the point of working out a couple of hours a day.
I joined the Holiday Challenge at the Y. Weighed in 11/26/12 and had to weigh in by today to see if I got the shirt. I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 5 pounds in 6 weeks (most of it in the last week). I got the shirt.
But today? Today I feel like I've indulged and there is no goal or no one watching.
For breakfast I 6 ounces of Greek yogurt, 1/2 cup berries with it.
For lunch I had 1 cup tomato soup with 1/2 english muffin with a piece of low fat cheese on it.
Then I had 3 mini peanutbutter cups.
This afternoon I had about 10 small pieces of licorice.
Then I had a Special K pastry Crisp.
Then I had about 3/4 cup cucumbers/red pepper strips with about 3 ounces of hummus.
My mind thinks it's been eating all day long. But when I log it in like that it's not bad. Sure I could have chosen better with the peanut butter cups and the licorice. But I followed up with fresh veg knowing that the sugar wasn't cutting it. And it's not that terribly indulgent. But I feel like it is.
I think I feel like that because I was very determined and limited my intake the last week to meals and very few snacks. That is to say, my mind plays a trick in that it thinks I was better with eating last week when really it just may be that I was so limiting last week and I can't sustain that, so I start eating more to compensate.
It's a mind game. Really it is. I think some of it is about control and some is about meeting goals. But it's definitely something I need to work on to be truly healthy. It's ok to have snacks and indulge as long as it's not way out of balance from what I should be eating. It's ok to try to stick to limited eating, but it needs to be be done in a healthy way. Those are the things I need to keep working on.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
193.0; I'm Not Where I Want To Be
I'm at 193. I think that I'm up a pound from my pre Thanksgiving weigh in.
I'm not where I wanted to be. But I'm reading a lot of blogs today and this week that are saying the same thing. And every blogger (including me) posts about a renewed energy to change life. I think it comes with the new year. There is a lot of importance placed on January First. A lot of it comes from the 1's in the date. 1's signals newness and re newness. A chance to do over what you didn't like and to start fresh on something new.
I'm trying to think a little different. But then I've always tried to think differently about this. I believe that life is a journey. That you're on a path and you control a portion of the direction and a higher power controls the rest. I believe that you have minute,tiny choices to make every day. If you add those choices up at the end of the day you get something bigger. If you add your week up, you get something larger. If you add your months up to get something even larger. And if you add your years up you get gigantic outcomes.
(deep thinking for what seems like a Monday, huh?)
What I mean to say, is that those huge, gigantic goals that you're going to sit down and write or have already written are huge, gigantic goals. But you get there one little selection at a time. So instead of putting those huge yearly goals down, think about the smaller ones instead. If you accomplish the smaller ones, the huge ones are inevitable. So set the smaller, achievable goals and the rest will come to you.
My goals for January:
1. Get back to the gym at least 5 days a week. 4 Cardio and 1 weight lifting. Anything more than 5 is a bonus!
2. Get back to eating cleaner and with more thought/planning. I love the fresh veg and white meat and fish, so why did I deviate to the red meat and high cal carbs?
3. Relax by reading. Read something every day, even if only a chapter in a book or 10 pages in a magazine. Reading calms me down, relaxes my quiet mind and feeds my soul.
4. Say yes more often than no. Turn those "I could haves" into "I did".
5. Remember to be present, in the moment and live in Grace.
I'm not where I wanted to be. But I'm reading a lot of blogs today and this week that are saying the same thing. And every blogger (including me) posts about a renewed energy to change life. I think it comes with the new year. There is a lot of importance placed on January First. A lot of it comes from the 1's in the date. 1's signals newness and re newness. A chance to do over what you didn't like and to start fresh on something new.
I'm trying to think a little different. But then I've always tried to think differently about this. I believe that life is a journey. That you're on a path and you control a portion of the direction and a higher power controls the rest. I believe that you have minute,tiny choices to make every day. If you add those choices up at the end of the day you get something bigger. If you add your week up, you get something larger. If you add your months up to get something even larger. And if you add your years up you get gigantic outcomes.
(deep thinking for what seems like a Monday, huh?)
What I mean to say, is that those huge, gigantic goals that you're going to sit down and write or have already written are huge, gigantic goals. But you get there one little selection at a time. So instead of putting those huge yearly goals down, think about the smaller ones instead. If you accomplish the smaller ones, the huge ones are inevitable. So set the smaller, achievable goals and the rest will come to you.
My goals for January:
1. Get back to the gym at least 5 days a week. 4 Cardio and 1 weight lifting. Anything more than 5 is a bonus!
2. Get back to eating cleaner and with more thought/planning. I love the fresh veg and white meat and fish, so why did I deviate to the red meat and high cal carbs?
3. Relax by reading. Read something every day, even if only a chapter in a book or 10 pages in a magazine. Reading calms me down, relaxes my quiet mind and feeds my soul.
4. Say yes more often than no. Turn those "I could haves" into "I did".
5. Remember to be present, in the moment and live in Grace.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
195.2; The YMCA
About a month ago I walked into the Y at 5am and was greeted by someone other than the usual front desk associate. Her name was Kristie and she smiled at me. Then she asked if there was sometime we could get together in the following week. I asked why and she told me that Pete had nominated me to be the member of the month.
I cried. At 5am, with no make up and my hair pulled into sloppy ponytail, swinging my green water bottle and juggling my keys and ID card. I cried. At the front desk. We made arrangements to talk later in the week and I went upstairs to work out. Before I started on cardio I texted Pete that he made me cry and told him I loved him.
Kristi and I talked for about 30 minutes. See that photo in the upper left hand corner? When she got to that she asked who those people are. I was speechless and then answered that it was Pete and I before we started losing weight. It was her turn to be speechless. To think that she didn't recognize me when I was sitting right in front of her. That's mind blowing. And today I was in a different building for work and I had 2 people who I used to work with daily tell me that they didn't recognize me. I can't imagine it and I can't see it in myself.
While Kristi and I talked I gave much credit to Pete for so many reasons. What I'm recognizing now is that while our journeys are different, our paths are close enough that we understand each other. We know when to support and when to kick the other's ass. We know when to back off and just let it be and when to stick our nose in. We know when to encourage and how to encourage. Having this person not only be my weight loss/work out buddy, but my best friend and my husband too? It's priceless. I can't imagine doing it without him.
I also gave credit to the internet blogs and sites that I've come across along the way. I know that I've talked about them before and there are lots of various ones that I've visited. The ones that I visit most often are:
Prior Fat Girl she is the one that started it for me. Seeing and hearing that she did it made me wonder if I could do it also.
Twelve In Twelve hearing her talk about running 12 races in 12 months made me think I could do that also!
Mama Laughlin she says it like it is and doesn't mince words. Her journey is vastly different than mine, but I appreciate the differentness of it and learned to embrace the things that could work for me.
Dessert For Two Ok, OK! I know this isn't a weight loss blogger. But when I love to bake and crave something sweet, I'd much rather make it for 2 than for 20. I'm not tempted by the other 18 servings.
Fat Little Legs I met this nice woman at a blogger event and was so thankful I did. Reading her struggles and seeing how far she had come, made me realize that I needed to just go with my journey. I needed to work my own plan to get my results.
Grace 2882 Again, way different journey. She is diabetic and controls it through food. I don't necessarily want to cut all my carbs so her recipes are great ideas for me to start with and add to.
Kris Gets Healthy this woman is a fighter. She is going to battle that weight and give it heck every waking moment. Her honesty strikes a cord in me.
Coffee With Sabrina She and I mirror each other often. (makes me sound like a weird stalker, but I'm not) The issues that she has and writes about will sometimes be the same things that I'm feeling and going through. She just ran her first big race and I can't wait to find a race to sign up for.
There are more. Some that I read that are no longer online and writing. Some that have moved their blogs or made them private. While Pete and I go through this together, he's not a girl. And sometimes I just needed to read another girl's experiences and be supported by a female.
All this to say, that I would never ever have accomplished 90+ pounds of weight loss without support in one way or another. I think one reason that people (me included) failed at losing weight previously is that we did not have the right support system. The YMCA? it's part of my support system and I can't imagine doing this without that place and those people.
I cried. At 5am, with no make up and my hair pulled into sloppy ponytail, swinging my green water bottle and juggling my keys and ID card. I cried. At the front desk. We made arrangements to talk later in the week and I went upstairs to work out. Before I started on cardio I texted Pete that he made me cry and told him I loved him.
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| October Elk River YMCA Member of the Month! |
While Kristi and I talked I gave much credit to Pete for so many reasons. What I'm recognizing now is that while our journeys are different, our paths are close enough that we understand each other. We know when to support and when to kick the other's ass. We know when to back off and just let it be and when to stick our nose in. We know when to encourage and how to encourage. Having this person not only be my weight loss/work out buddy, but my best friend and my husband too? It's priceless. I can't imagine doing it without him.
I also gave credit to the internet blogs and sites that I've come across along the way. I know that I've talked about them before and there are lots of various ones that I've visited. The ones that I visit most often are:
Prior Fat Girl she is the one that started it for me. Seeing and hearing that she did it made me wonder if I could do it also.
Twelve In Twelve hearing her talk about running 12 races in 12 months made me think I could do that also!
Mama Laughlin she says it like it is and doesn't mince words. Her journey is vastly different than mine, but I appreciate the differentness of it and learned to embrace the things that could work for me.
Dessert For Two Ok, OK! I know this isn't a weight loss blogger. But when I love to bake and crave something sweet, I'd much rather make it for 2 than for 20. I'm not tempted by the other 18 servings.
Fat Little Legs I met this nice woman at a blogger event and was so thankful I did. Reading her struggles and seeing how far she had come, made me realize that I needed to just go with my journey. I needed to work my own plan to get my results.
Grace 2882 Again, way different journey. She is diabetic and controls it through food. I don't necessarily want to cut all my carbs so her recipes are great ideas for me to start with and add to.
Kris Gets Healthy this woman is a fighter. She is going to battle that weight and give it heck every waking moment. Her honesty strikes a cord in me.
Coffee With Sabrina She and I mirror each other often. (makes me sound like a weird stalker, but I'm not) The issues that she has and writes about will sometimes be the same things that I'm feeling and going through. She just ran her first big race and I can't wait to find a race to sign up for.
There are more. Some that I read that are no longer online and writing. Some that have moved their blogs or made them private. While Pete and I go through this together, he's not a girl. And sometimes I just needed to read another girl's experiences and be supported by a female.
All this to say, that I would never ever have accomplished 90+ pounds of weight loss without support in one way or another. I think one reason that people (me included) failed at losing weight previously is that we did not have the right support system. The YMCA? it's part of my support system and I can't imagine doing this without that place and those people.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
195.2: No Fill
Yesterday was my October appointment with my surgeon. And it was the first month since surgery that I haven't gotten a fill. It was weird walking out without getting a fill. Really weird. According to their scale I've lost 6 pounds in the last month. Clearly I was ok with not getting a fill. To be honest I think I could have asked for a small fill and she would have given it to me. But I want to see how this month goes without it.
Do you have a Clothes Mentor near you? (they have no idea I am plugging them!) If you do check them out. Seriously. On Saturday I spent 6 hours looking for a pair of modern jeans that fit me for pictures. 6 hours. When I got home Pete asked me what I got. I showed him the 1 pair of jeans and he said, "That's it? That's all you got?" You should have seen my angry face.
I've exhausted all of the regular places I shop: JCPenny, Kohls, Target, Walmart, Old Navy, Gap, Costco... I found a great pair of jeans that are modern looking with stitching details and pocket decorations at Maurices. But I have a hard time paying $70 for something that I may not be able to wear in a month. A friend told me about Clothes Mentor and told me to check them out. So I did.
(can you hear angels singing?)
The place was awesome. Rows and rows of gently used clothing that is like new and for about 60% less than what it retails for. I spent over an hour there trying on tops and bottoms. There were several things that I liked, but didn't get for various reasons. I want to really love my wardrobe, not just like it. So if I wasn't in the "gotta have it" camp, it went back. Right away I found a Harley button down shirt for $14. It retailed for $55 last year. I know because I tried it on in the Harley shop. I found a flowy, dressy work shirt for $5. Score.
I must have tried on 8 different pair of jeans and none of them fit perfectly. Lucky brand, Silvers and Joe's. None of them were over $30 a pair and they retail for close to or over $100. I didn't even get into trying on work pants because I was on the mission for jeans. But guess where I'm going to Friday? I'm going to go through the 2 bags of clothes that I have for the Goodwill and take out the gently used items. They usually pay you about 30-40% of what you paid for items. Then I'm going to shop. To my heart's content.
So seriously, if you've never checked them out, try our a Clothes Mentor.
As for the jeans? I ended up at the outlet mall in Eddie Bauer. Me. I fit into a size 14 Eddie Bauer jeans and they are wonderful! The best part is that they were $29 on sale. I now have modern looking jeans that fit from a regular store. Hard work. It pays off.
Do you have a Clothes Mentor near you? (they have no idea I am plugging them!) If you do check them out. Seriously. On Saturday I spent 6 hours looking for a pair of modern jeans that fit me for pictures. 6 hours. When I got home Pete asked me what I got. I showed him the 1 pair of jeans and he said, "That's it? That's all you got?" You should have seen my angry face.
I've exhausted all of the regular places I shop: JCPenny, Kohls, Target, Walmart, Old Navy, Gap, Costco... I found a great pair of jeans that are modern looking with stitching details and pocket decorations at Maurices. But I have a hard time paying $70 for something that I may not be able to wear in a month. A friend told me about Clothes Mentor and told me to check them out. So I did.
(can you hear angels singing?)
The place was awesome. Rows and rows of gently used clothing that is like new and for about 60% less than what it retails for. I spent over an hour there trying on tops and bottoms. There were several things that I liked, but didn't get for various reasons. I want to really love my wardrobe, not just like it. So if I wasn't in the "gotta have it" camp, it went back. Right away I found a Harley button down shirt for $14. It retailed for $55 last year. I know because I tried it on in the Harley shop. I found a flowy, dressy work shirt for $5. Score.
I must have tried on 8 different pair of jeans and none of them fit perfectly. Lucky brand, Silvers and Joe's. None of them were over $30 a pair and they retail for close to or over $100. I didn't even get into trying on work pants because I was on the mission for jeans. But guess where I'm going to Friday? I'm going to go through the 2 bags of clothes that I have for the Goodwill and take out the gently used items. They usually pay you about 30-40% of what you paid for items. Then I'm going to shop. To my heart's content.
So seriously, if you've never checked them out, try our a Clothes Mentor.
As for the jeans? I ended up at the outlet mall in Eddie Bauer. Me. I fit into a size 14 Eddie Bauer jeans and they are wonderful! The best part is that they were $29 on sale. I now have modern looking jeans that fit from a regular store. Hard work. It pays off.
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